One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
