I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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