I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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