ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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