why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers