I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
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This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
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Also, beer. Big fan.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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