Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
