I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
