We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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