i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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