i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
