..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
