I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
