I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
