I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
