guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!