Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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