My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
