No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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