True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
