lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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