please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
