Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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