Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
