On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
