I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
