Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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