just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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