do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
