He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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