I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
