just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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