our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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