I just pynch a tree in the face
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
So squirting runs in the family.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
