Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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