i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
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Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
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I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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