all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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