So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
