i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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