Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
