It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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