I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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