gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
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its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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