i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
