you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
