Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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