My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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