I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
