And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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