96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
