he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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