Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
