You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
